“I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there’s nothing but light when I see you……”
– Shinji Moon, The Anatomy of Being
This year after my return from India I went through a period of stillness; in which I kept absorbing all of the energy from my practice with Sharath in Mysore, my trip to the north of India and finally my stop in London before coming home. Coming back to work after two months was also sort of weird; especially since the death of my boss last year. So a new cycle began and I immersed myself on some classes at the University for Peace; continued teaching yoga and obviously continued with my daily yoga practice despite the pain on my left shoulder which accentuated after my return. The other day I read this from the amazing Ashtanga yoga teacher David Garigues, when asked about the never ending topic of pain:
“The question arises why is there no yoga without the presence of pain or fear? These two allies remind you that your will and your ego can only take you so far in your life. Total control is not possible even though we try so hard to exert our will and extend our control whenever and wherever possible. Yoga enters when you come to the limit of what you can will or control. Yoga happens when you are out of options and you become ready to trust in something other than and greater than your will. Yoga is a path of surrender. The more fear and pain are present the more you’ll be like the moth going to the flame, ready to sacrifice and to yoke your self to the discipline of yoga”
I have had my share of cycles of pain, not only physical but emotional. Lots! Pain has been my biggest teacher. That’s why I am not surprised on why I became so attracted to Ashtanga Yoga. The nature of the mind inevitably makes us stray away from pain. But the permeated impermance present on all things is a friendly reminder that our whole existence will be filled with moments of joy and moments of pain. It took me 8; maybe a bit more years to open my heart again. My yoga practice, my beloved shrink and my inner resilience have helped. But I still got so much to learn. Matters of the heart are fragile, explosive, unprecticable. Especially; because intimacy will trigger a lot of patterns acquired in our childhood, ways on how we coped with pain and fear and how we established bonds and affection with others. Sometimes we aren’t ready. We built up images of ourselves and of the other, and in a typical interaction, the real people don’t meet at all. This can take months in some cases, years in others. Each relationship will bring up a unique version of you. And unexpectedly I met this awesome guy. Kind heart. Beautiful, bruised soul. Smart. Great chemistry. Almost like it was too good to be true. I seriously hadn’t felt this way in years. And then he broke my heart and that triggered so many old feelings. Horrible. Getting your heart broken is a bloody nightmare. I didn’t ask anything when he broke up with me. Will that would’ve make a difference? Not really. Maybe he wasn’t ready. Through out the relationship I could sense he was trying, but there is so much undealt pain and rage within him that at some point things would’ve ended anyways. I am not perfect. There are broken parts of me that I am trying to fix. Everytime I go to India the energetical vibration there helps me heal. Rips me apart and more light comes in. This has been such a hard trial. How not to take it personally??? I allowed myself to be vulnerable again and this happened? It really sucks but it is what is. You can’t make people love you. True Love is an organic process: things will grow naturally without chemicals. It will not grow perfect but it will be strong. And most importantly there will be no expectations. It’s a beautiful, imperfect process in which two people are aiming to become the best versions of themselves.
I can’t allow myself to go back to my old crazy, angry self. I am so; so, sad. I’m not going to lie. This hurts so much and I have cried a lot. But I got my mat and everyday I try to practice with an open heart. The day after my break up I dedicated my practice to him. What I feel towards him hasn’t change. I sent him so much love and healing thoughts. We each, must deal with the dark versions of ourselves and be smart enough to step aside and not drag others in. I can’t dwell too much into this. So many good things are coming; I can not allow myself to stay in this sad place for too long. I have a wonderful life surrounded by people that love me so much. Soon I am going back to India, to Dharamsala; up there by the Himalayas, home of your holiness the Dalai Lama, where hopefully my heart will heal……..And life will go on…….