What it feels like for a Girl
Inside the Chaos, build a temple of Love…..
It feels like a curse but also a blessing. It feels confusing yet empowering……..
As I prepare to leave this week to another world adventure I realize that this is the girl I envisioned many, many moons ago when I used to play in the garden of the house I grew up at. I had my parents built me a green house so I could grow things…Sure I liked dolls like any other girl but was not obsessed with them and certainly never imagine back then one in my belly or ever dreamed of becoming a mum one day. Simple. Some of us, girls come here to do many, many things and being a mum isn’t one of them. I saw myself learning many, many languages. My mum had one of those globes in her office, the world globes that spin and I used to sit for hours spinning it. I knew Costa Rica was tiny, tiny in the map. But on the other side there were oh, so many other countries. I knew back then I wanted to travel to world and meet other cultures. I knew in my heart that I was not destined to stay confined in a house, married and having kids. As a teenager I loved studying philosophy, arts, literature….A lot of my friends are wives, have kids. For some of them it works, this system. But the system is tricky and some of them aren’t happy; they were ambushed and they are prisoners and would never set free. But some are genuinely happy and it is reassuring, knowing that the system works for some. I wasn’t raised in a conventional household so I guess I wasn’t going to grow up to be a conventional person. And this is who I am and for years I had a hard time accepting it. That struggle led me to a place of sadness in different moments of my life……..it’s like I wake up on a bad dream. It all feels very somber and cold. The motivation is gone. It feels like a part of me dies and suddenly all my energy is gone. Call it depression or whatever it is. It feels very lonely; this place.This place exists inside of me, but there are many, many others places that live inside of me too! A lot of them are beautiful landscapes, filled with sunshine and the ocean. So I have chosen to make the ugly places beautiful without the help of medication, toxic relationships, alcohol and just with the power of self acceptance, Yoga and therapy. This recipe works for me and I am certain that each person has their own recipe that works for them. I think the most important thing is knowing that we all suffer in different ways. Sometimes we are so keen on judging others. But we all suffer the same and when you realize this, it is liberating because you stop taking everything personally. Not easy. We are a tiny particle in the Universe. Not the center of the Universe. The attachment we constantly create on how things are supposed to be set us for constant disappointment. I have learned the hard way. I am very stubborn. Wild and like a good Aries very impulsive. But the transformation is possible. If I could do it anyone can.
When you are a girl hormones drive you crazy, the Moon gravitates around you; pulling you up and down. Our cycles determine different moods and you can go from being completely happy and nice to hating the world and being a bitch. Girls are givers of life and that’s amazing! The creative energy and healing energy that women have is unique. We must stop hating each other and instead lift each other up. To those brave souls that dare to shine in a world ruled by men I salute you! The other day a friend and I were discussing facts versus opinions when it comes to feminism and girls’ issues and I asked him if he had ever been: touched without permission; groped, cat called or discriminated when applying for a job or given too much work…..or expected to be and look perfect and multitask or thought that he wasn’t strong enough…..Obviously he hasn’t……..Well I have! Did that stopped me? No, but I feel so sad for all the women that have to bury their dreams or aspirations….We must empower ourselves.
The Ashtanga yoga practice is very masculine. I really like it because the effect it has in men, is very feminine, it softens them and in my case in has made stronger yet very compassionate and flexible and less angry. I think we must all look for different ways of healing ourselves. Divine Love, God or how you want to call it manifests itself in so many different ways, yet is One Energy. When you find that energy within yourself you heal. Hurt people hurt others. Life isn’t all rainbows and smiles. There are so many people out there struggling right now. It hasn’t been easy for them. Some don’t even realize they are hurting others by their actions. Some of us say Yoga ruins our lives because we are no longer numb and is a rude, necessary awakening to the true nature of things. I am infinitely grateful for this awakening and work on it every day. That’s why I practice everyday; sad or happy, sore or flexible. The rational steadiness that the practice gives me keeps me sane. Because what matters the most is my actions outside my mat. When I deal with others and how I treat myself.
I am ready for India again. She is my ultimate healer. We are made of all those who have built us and broken us. Especially those who have broken us because usually we loved them deeply and they became our biggest teachers. I am filled with gratitude.
Om Purnamadah Purnamidah
ॐ पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं