A year ago exactly I was experiencing one of the most blissful moments of my life. Retrospectively at the time I didn’t think that moment would be so significant. But it was. And the way I see it now is that I can not forget that moment despite the pain that followed it. Because those moments are precious. I have been reading lots of stuff regarding neuroscience, happiness and connectivity; vulnerability. What glue us together; humans, is that feeling of belonging, been connected. And we all come from different places when we meet someone new. My therapist tells me that we all carry a certain load of baggage and I need to find someone with less bags, ha! She says, you already carry a lot. Anyways the sense of connection I felt a year ago was spontaneous, strong. I am very passionate about many things. My practice, yoga, art. I was very passionate in this relationship because I decided for the first time in my life, yes, believe it or not to be myself. No filters; raw me. And by writing today, I am attempting to find sense in the sadness residues that still linger in me; because to the day I still really don’t understand why things ended so abruptly or what happened. Possibly, this relationship has been one of the best, shortest and most real experiences I have had in my life. And so much has happened also in a year because the end of that relationship triggered findings, discoveries. So that’s the part that makes sense in this whole story. What happened after the ending. Because of that break up I got to meet the Dalai Lama! Can you imagine how things are connected strangely in an outer dimension that we can not understand but feel? The butterfly effect. Crazy right? So today I have been thinking about my weekend exactly a year ago. The gestures, the details, the energy. I don’t doubt that what happened was real. At least on my side. I don’t know about his side. And here’s where expectations really fuck up reality. And the nature of the ego is to build them up; constantly. Because is the only way our mind finds to make sense of reality. I sometimes think that I was maybe too much. Not in a bad sense. I have come to love the bad and the good of me. Maybe I was a burst of energy this dude just didn’t know how to handle and that’s fine. As I mentioned on earlier posts we can not make people love us. It is that simple. Anyways, back in March, when I finished my Buddhist meditation retreat in the Himalayas I wrote him a letter; that I never sent. Coincidentally (or maybe synchronicity?) his birthday felt on the hardest day of the meditation retreat. I cried so much that day. I was locked up in the Gompa most of the day. I had taken all the precepts; which meant no jewelry, no make up, no food. Just meditation all day long. It was so hard. The wrap up of the day in silence was beautiful. All of us the students lit up a candle and we offered it to Tara, the Goddess of Compassion and it looked like a giant cake lit up. It was very intense for me; because I could not believe I was up there in the Himalayas on a life changing experience with a broken heart. Here’s the letter I wrote to him:
“Hope you had a lovely birthday. Just finished my meditation retreat here in India. And I wanted to give you thanks for breaking my heart the way you did. I’m not sure if you had any idea as to how or when did I give my love to you. I genuinely thought we had a connection & great chemistry. But obviously; I realized after that you were in a complete different place than I was; you were just not into me. Logic is too cruel when divorced from the wisdom of the heart. When you broke up with me this horrible sadness took over. I wasn’t mad, just so, so sad. I felt so stupid and naive. I went mad trying to figure out why you ended things so abruptly. I said fuck everything and applied for this course and changed my original plans. It was the best thing that could’ve happened! I thought about you while I was locked up. It wasn’t easy. You are a beautiful, bruised soul. I could feel so much pain, fear and rage within you and this underlying sadness and restlessness. No wonder you have so much self control, it has been your way of dealing with all the chaos. I prayed a lot for you and send you lots of healing thoughts & good energy. We are basically strangers at this point, but sometimes people come into our lives to shook us up…….Teach us stuff and you certainly did; so unexpectedly! You made me grow. And I want to thank you for that. With love and gratitude”
Writing this letter and not sending it helped so much. Recently, on my daily meditation during the day of the New Moon, he came to visit in my thoughts. I gave him a big hug. He has endured a lot of pain in his life, I can tell. Life these days feels lighter despite a lot of other issues going on. That weekend a year ago was super special. It will always be in my heart.
We must find closure within ourselves and not in the other person. Relationships are complicated but not impossible. Just be you; real and the right people will come your way. Wrong will also come but to teach you something about yourself that no one else could. Namaste!